Heute

So far today I went to the acupuncturist, rehearsed the Biber Marian Vespers, and auditioned for a solo. The acupuncture helped, as I was really, really sick this past week. Thursday and Friday I felt like I had the flu with chills and everything, except I didn't have the flu--it was all hormonal. I had to leave the opera on Friday night bent over at a 90-degree angle because my cramps were so bad. And men think they have it so bad when they're sick. I've had stomach surgeries and everything. Western medicine has informed me that my two last options are to a: have my uterus taken out, or b: shut down my uterus and make it think it's going through menopause and then try to build it back up again. Both of those sound pretty fucked up to me. The only thing that has ever helped me was acupuncture, and it made me a relatively normal person for the past two years--I've just started suffering again in the past month (continually, even when I'm not on my cycle). I was glad to hear from a friend of mine who has suffered greatly from cramps that childbirth for her wasn't too bad--she's been experiencing childbirth-esque pain every month since she was a teenager, so I guess I have, too!

I always forget how nerve-wracking auditioning can be. I've done it countless times (obviously, given all the groups I'm in!), but it's still not a pleasant experience, no matter how many times you do it. I was first up, too, and the part I was singing was a bit weird tonally. Luckily, I'd hammered out the notes on the accordion last night. I'm sure my neighbors were thrilled. :) I do have the right kind of voice for Biber, however, so if I don't get a solo or a small-group part, then it's probably more a matter of taste than anything.

Must. stop. keeping. the. tv. on. all. the. time. Must. read. gone. with. the. wind. I got all these opera people to start reading GWTW for a book group but I myself haven't been getting it read! Last night, I simultaneously was watching Sense and Sensibility, Best in Show, and "The Bachelor." Good grief, I need help. (Feeling like complete and utter shit much of the time, though, can make one addicted to TV--when you're in chronic pain, you can't really do anything else except knock yourself out. I personally get carsick when I read in pain. I know--I'm not in a car, but I swear I do get carsick.)

So tonight I have rehearsal again for three hours. We have a performance at the library on Thursday and another one next week, somewhere....Or two next week. I can't keep track of it all. And then I was hoping to actually go out tonight, but chances are, that's not going to happen, owing to the fact that I've been in ridiculous amounts of pain lately and am tired. :( It'll be weird not to go out on Fat Tuesday, though. It's Calypso time!

Two links:

I found the Dubious Achievement Awards from 2003. I haven't found them for any other year since 2000, though--Esquire decided that 2001 was too serious to make fun of, for some reason. But apparently they did 2003 in February of 2004. I'm now on a mission to find others.

Leann sent me this end of the world cartoon.

bhishma's kool aid

P1010008
Originally uploaded by freyjawaru.

now you get the idea why I freak out! He doesn't mind at all, though!

shyam

P1010012
Originally uploaded by freyjawaru.

new fishie

I have a new, blue fishie and his name is Shyam. It is an alternative name for Krishna, and it also means "blue or black." Since he's both, I thought it was appropriate. And it goes along with the whole Hindu thing.

I put his bowl next to Bhishma's last night and they now seem pretty happy to flare at each other. Shyam is very fierce. That's why I picked him--I was so upset when I went to Petsmart yesterday and saw the condition of the bettas. When I got Bhishma, they were all kept in cups, of course, but their water was clean and they all seemed more or less OK. Not so yesterday. Many of them were half-dead and the water was in horrible condition. Shyam's water was very dirty, but he still acted alert and aggressive and I figured he was probably healthier than most of the others.

It's amusing that Bhishma's water is red from his tetracycline, and Shyam's is greenish owing to the treatment I put in his water. The water is color-coordinated to each fish!

meta moments

I found this guy on Friendster who's my age and who lives in Cambridge. He has an unusual-ish name and has red hair, and I found him because he says his hometown is Boulder (I did a Boulder hometown search).

I was acquainted with a red-haired guy with the same unusual-ish name, around the same age, when I lived in New York. He was the boyfriend of my friend from Smith for whom I had acquired an Oxford University Press job. So I emailed the guy in Cambridge and asked if he was the same guy who'd dated my friend. He's *not* the same guy, but he did ask if this was one of those "meta-Friendster moments." I thought that was classic and a term I should definitely use more frequently.

I'm thinking about getting a Second Fish. Not for the same bowl, of course! I'm not a complete idiot. But bettas like to have social interaction (across walls of glass, naturally), and I thought I might rescue maybe a pretty blue betta from Petsmart. I'll get him the same bowl, etc. As long as I'm treating Bhishma for all his probably-Petsmart-related illnesses, I could treat the new one, too. Plus, I can start off on the right foot by putting preventative BettaZing in his water when I get him. Then he and Bhishma can amuse each other all day long. Bhishma's water has been bright red lately, owing to the tetracycline treatment. He doesn't give a shit, but it weirds me out. It's like he's swimming in Kool Aid. Also, he's a red fish, and then I can't see him unless I shine a light on his bowl.

And then, there's this:

You're Watership Down!

by Richard Adams

Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

lbbm

Lego Brokeback Mountain.

I hate Hummers

with a passion. I really, really hate them. I'm not too wild about cars in general, especially in areas where they're not necessary (like Chicago or on campus here). But people who buy giant SUVs and Hummers tick me off big time. Hummers are also a wonderful way of advertising to everyone that you are seriously inadequately endowed. My dad told me about an article he read where people were just flipping off Hummers whenever they saw them. I generally only flip off excessively loud boom cars, but I might just start doing that.

In any case, I thought I would link to this site and press release about a hit and run accident involving a Hummer in Evanston last week. There is going to be a press conference tomorrow in Evanston with Bike Traffic. I really hope someone catches this guy and rips off his nuts.

Bike Traffic says that 160 pedestrians and bicyclists die annually in Chicago from these types of incidents. I had an acquaintance who was killed in Wicker Park last June when a truck broadsided her on her bike. In a society that is becoming increasingly self-centered and anti-social, I think it's easy for people to feel safe in their ginormous vehicles, shielded from the world by glass and metal, and that driving is sometimes like a video game to them. When they strike someone, I'm sure they panic and drive away, hoping they won't get caught.

Because communities are set up now for car driving, and because our urban and suburban areas are increasingly full of concrete graveyards that temporarily act like giant chain stores but will eventually become concrete graveyards again, people drive everywhere and don't interact with their fellow humans the same way they used to. Once upon a time, people would know their grocers and their mail-delivery people and their neighbors, because they'd actually have to INTERACT while completing transactions or walking down the street or whatever. Nowadays you have to pay to see a person at many banks. Our communities need to be better planned and need to start becoming more organic. We've created a monster of American society.

Oooh. And as if Cafepress can read my thoughts. I found this. Some of the shirts and things are pro-Hummer, but overall, it's pretty anti-Hummer. :)

turning into a board

my class is so boring.

Yes, I am reading this book for Adult Popular Fiction. The cover of the one *I* have, however, is far more outrageous and grocery-store-novel-esque. I brought it to rehearsal last night, and boy was it a hit. I saw that a line from it said, "I did not come by spaceship; I came by longship." And my friend opened it up to a VERY graphic description of an erection.

I have PBS on while I'm listening to class and typing this, and the Queen has a shitload of Corgis. I knew she liked them, but I thought all those jokes about her dogs were just blowing it out of proportion. Apparently not.

I got April in Paris from the library and I LOVE it. Of course, every time I hear that song, I think of Blazing Saddles....

My fish is being weird again. I ordered him brine shrimp, anti-fungus stuff, sea salt, and some other stuff. I'm completely obsessed with getting him healthy. I think I need to put him in a bigger house.

A woman came into the library today (she's in the French dept.) and was looking for a dictionary of medieval Latin. While I looked, I explained to her that I have an undergraduate degree in medieval studies. She asked if I'd gotten it here, and I told her I'd gotten it at Smith College. Then she said, "Really? Do you know Eglal Doss-Quimby?" She was holding a book by Eglal on women troubadours. And, strangely, I had taken her Women Writers of the Middle Ages class when I was a first year, back in the Stone Age. What a coincidence.

Usually when I'm not on the East Coast, I have to explain what Smith and the Seven Sisters colleges (and sometimes even the Ivy League schools) are. There aren't a lot of us in Champaign or even Chicago (or Boulder or Denver). Although it hasn't been so bad since Mona Lisa Smile came out--even though I didn't see it. And that was Wellesley, not Smith. And probably not a terribly accurate representation of Seven Sisters life now (especially since two now accept men!).

In Non Sequiturville style, I should offhandedly note that I went to a Single Mingle in Chicago for part of the Ivy League Dinner Club (which included Seven Sisters grads) and whoa, nelly. There were a lot of very short, very weird men there. Not that I mind short men---but I must say that I heard the oddest thing ever at that party. I asked one guy (who was hitting on my married friend who had accompanied me) why shorter men don't approach or even seem to like taller women. OK, this is how he explained it: Basically, he insisted that short men are presumed by society to be inadequately endowed. He said that, similarly, tall women are presumed to be rather, um, loose in that region because it corresponds to their height. He finally just came out and said that short men would never go for me because they all assume that all tall women have cavernous vaginas. WHAT?????!!!!!!!! Yeah, I think he was a bit deranged..... (Incidentally, neither assumption about short men nor tall women happens to be true at all.)

On THAT note, I should sign off and pay attention to my unbearably boring class. :)

substitutiary locomotion

I know I've turned into the worst kind of American (well, ok, I know there are far worse in some behaviors), because I seem to have to keep the TV on much of the time. Which is quite distracting to doing homework but hey, I like to multi-task. And of course, my fish likes to watch TV, too. He really likes cartoons the best (which I don't, so he can watch them with the sound off).

Last night, Bedknobs and Broomsticks was on. My brother was completely obsessed with that movie when he was little. I don't think we owned it, but he sure rented it over and over and over.

I discovered that you can't even get the soundtrack anymore without forking out $50 for the CD. Disney has reined in all individual soundtracks and now picks and chooses what goes on which overpriced anthology. That makes me sad.

Treguna Mekoides and Tracorum Satis Dee
Substitutiary locomotion
It's the power that's far beyond the wildest notion
It's a weird so feared, yet wonderful to see
Substitutiary locomotion come to me

Treguna Mekoides and Tracorum Satis Dee
I don't want locomotiary substitution
Or remote intrasitory convolution
Only one precise solution is the key
Substitutiary locomotion it must be
Treguna Mekoides and Tracorum Satis Dee

Substitutiary locomotion
Lovely substitutiary locomotion
You may substututiary mystery
With Treguna Mekoides and a little help from me
With Treguna Mekoides and Tracorum Satis Dee

me in a nutshell

My types. I knew perhaps I understood vampires, but not Dennis Rodman.
THE INDIVIDUALIST
Enneagram Type Four

The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type:
Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental

Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)
Enneagram Four with a Three-Wing: "The Aristocrat"
Enneagram Four with a Five-Wing: "The Bohemian"
Style Four
free enneagram test
Fours are about authenticity. Fours have a deep and wide range of emotions and trust their subjective experience to make their life-decisions. They are frequently highly esthetic (not in talent, necessarily, but in concern), because they have a highly developed ability to think symbolically. This coupled with their emotional richness cries out for artistic expression.

Fours make a personal statement in many things they do, from the way they dress to their choice of Impressionist paintings. They rather enjoy not being part of the crowd and have a natural sense of aristocracy. Taste, they maintain, is not determined by votes.

When they are less healthy, their speech becomes lamentation as they claim their uniqueness because of their suffering. They often develop a spirit of entitlement to compensate for a feeling that somehow they are defective. This defect, paradoxically, is the basis for their claim that they deserve love. They make a claim on their friends' love because they have suffered and this suffering has made them more authentic - and so more lovable.

Fours you may know: Shakespeare, Dennis Rodman, Nicholas Cage, Marlon Brando, Ann Rice, (Vampires are depicted as Fours), Kate Winslet, Vincent van Gogh, Eric Clapton, Michael Jackson, John Malkovich, Thomas Merton, and Allen Watts.

-----

I also happen to be an INFP (I have consistently been an INFP, after taking many tests, since I was 13), the dreamer/healer/questor/idealist.
.

the art of procrastination

I am far too talented....

Anyway, I needed to upload this photo because I personally think that this man is more deserving of the title Sexy, Sexy Man than Beckham. I am in love with Yul Brynner.

I know, I know. I have a fixation with dead film (and stage) actors. It's interesting to see how my taste changes as I get older, however. I mean, I will always love Laurence Olivier and Ray Milland but I find Yul infinitely more sexy now that I'm old.

Incidentally, I do have to say that The King and I, as well as the It's a Small World Ride in Disney World, interested me in South Asian music and culture. One of the reasons I was so captivated by the Javanese gamelan in college was because I retained a weird memory of the Hollywood perception of Siam in The King and I. However authentic or inauthentic it was, it hooked me for life.

Apparently, Yul Brynner was Swiss and Mongolian. I had always heard that after he shaved his head for the Broadway show, he liked it so well that he just kept it shaved for the rest of his life. He was also an anti-smoking advocate at the end of his life, explaining to the American public that smoking caused his fatal lung cancer.

drama with a capital D

Perhaps it's just better to enjoy someone else's drama than to create my own. Which I'm oh, so good at.

I'm sure The Thorn Birds is seen as quite cheesy. And perhaps it is. But I think it's well crafted (the book and the movie). Verdi's librettists certainly couldn't come up with that level of tragedy. Think about it. A fire that nearly destroys a sheep station and kills Meggie's father. Her brother finds his father's body when a search party is out. The brother fires his gun to alert the others, which also, unfortunately for him, alerts a wild boar. The wild boar gores the brother, so that the remaining family finds a dead father AND brother.

Years and years and years of mothers neglecting their daughters.

A priest who has loved a woman his entire life, fathers a child with her, and learns that the child is his only after the child has drowned (and of course, taken his priest's vows). Classic.

I really appreciate major tragedy. Another excellent example of pure tragedy is Farewell My Concubine. Perfect, perfect ending. I don't think there could ever be a more perfect ending in a tragedy. The two Chinese opera singers in the film bond when they are training with a band of musicians in which the director is severely abusive, experience a meteoric rise to stardom, and lose everything they have in the Cultural Revolution.

The synopsis of their most famous opera is as follows (thanks to http://www.princeton.edu/~his325/week3/Opera/scenes.html):
The King Bids Farewell to his Concubine (Bawang bie ji)
At the end of the great Qin dynasty, (221-206 B.C.), rival forces battled for the control of the empire. Finally only the armies of the great general Xiang Yu and the commoner Liu Bang were left. In a decisive battle in 202 B.C., Xiang Yu's troops were defeated by Liu Bang, who went on to become the founder of the Han dynasty. This opera focuses on Xiang Yu and his beloved concubine Yu at the moment of Xiang Yu's defeat. Xiang Yu narrates the story of the battle and expresses his grief as his soldiers are slaughtered. Concubine Yu tries to console Xiang Yu by offering him wine, but inwardly decides to take her own life to express her allegience to her king. She performs a daring dance with Xiang Yu's two swords as the king looks on. At the end of the dance, Concubine Yu kills herself with the sword.

The opera singers reunite a few decades later, and naturally, the singer playing the concubine actually does kill himself with the sword.

down in the dumps

Well, I'm depressed, and I haven't loaded up a pic in a few days, so why not this glorious creature? I am guessing he's not terribly sophisticated, but he is surely an Adonis.

I am watching The Thorn Birds and simulataneously trying to read a very boring mystery novel. I wish I'd bought a shorter one but I'm out of options because it must be read by Friday. My fish is not happy anymore. In fact, he is sick. I think he has fin rot, hole-in-the-head, and ich. Maybe I'm just being a hypochondriac on his behalf, but it wouldn't be too surprising if he *did* have all these problems since he came from Petsmart. Sigh. I'm doing what I can for him. I put a bit of tetracycline in his water (as is suggested) and a Betta fixup med is on its way. I put him in front of the television to cheer him up--it was suggested by the Betta lady that this is a good thing for Bettas.

I think I'm definitely feeling better, which is probably part of why I feel in the dumps--I need to get out more and interact with people again. Which is not so easy to do, given my recent discomfort in this area. But I still have three months left in this place and I should try to enjoy it as much as possible, regardless of how ultimately I am not happy here. I don't have a lot of social contacts anymore and the ones I have don't have time in their schedules to socialize. I tried a month ago to set up a few things because I've had success in setting up parties and things in the past, but folks just didn't show up. Maybe I'll have to plan something again, though, and make some more new friends. :)

I guess I'm a bit heartbroken too. Even though I know I did the right thing, it doesn't change how I feel about him. Eventually, someday, I'll forget him.

thoughts for today

1. I'm beginning to think that satin sheets aren't luxurious--they're just annoying.
2. At the thing Maggie set up yesterday evening, the "blues" band played Feels Good by Chuck Mangione. It was my very favorite song when I was four years old. It then dawned on me that most of the people I know around here hadn't even been born yet, or even conceived, when it was popular. Yeesh.
3. I'm wondering if my long-term dream of hosting a sock hop someday might be fruitless. I don't think a lot of people my age (ish) are interested. I remember having a sock hop in fifth grade. We were all totally obsessed with the '50s then, though. Honestly, rockabilly types kind of freak me out but I wasn't thinking rockabilly.
4. I'm remembering how incredibly hilarious I found Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas to be, and how I should see it again/read the book.

tofu creations

I'm beginning to think I don't like tofu. And that I make a lousy curry. This is my second attempt in two nights.

However, I do think I like tempeh, so maybe I should work with that....

Bhishma is very happy. He has been making a bubble nest all day. He is also swimming around and flaring all the time like a complete spazoid. I think he's bigger than he was last week, and he's definitely fiestier. Did I spell that right?

As for me, I'm doing much better. The acupuncture is making a big difference. Last week I wasn't in pain so much but I felt like I had to hurl all the time. Now he's fixed that and I'm tired but can function much better.

I just talked to my cousin, who today auditioned for--get this--Doctor Zhivago: The Musical. I thought that Jane Eyre: The Musical was getting silly, but.....One just has to ask: do they incorporate Lara's Theme through the whole show? I guess singing Andrew Lloyd Webber every single night for five years has probably gotten under his skin, though, so maybe a change would do him some good....

I applied for a job back home, and seriously pumped my nativeness. It was for the Colorado Historical Society and they seemed to really want someone who knows about Colorado. Since so many people in the Boulder and Denver area move in and out of the area in rapid succession (and since I hardly ever meet anyone else in Colorado who is actually *from* Colorado), I'm guessing that I'll look good--I was born and raised there, and it was my permanent home for 25 years (OK, so continuous living for 21 years but still officially permanent). I've also applied for two jobs in Western Mass. (my favorite part of the country), and two in Philly. The rest are all great, big publics. I hope something gives.

memories of v-days past

I remember that we had to write Valentines to our ENTIRE CLASS if we were going to hand out any. My mother would nag my brother and me for a week or so to not leave them until the last minute, but of course, we always did. We'd start out at around nine PM and take our time very carefully picking out the best ones (or if we were making them by hand to make the fanciest ones) for the people who were our friends or most wanted to impress. Then we'd gradually be drained of energy and we'd be particularly angry at those we hated by the end. They probably got the snidest remarks on their Valentines.

When I was about eight, I was in Brownies, and we had to make Valentines for a nursing home. I used slogans and phrases I'd seen on grocery store Valentines. I decided on using "You're Number One" for awhile. Luckily my mother found me out eventually, because I'd already make it up to "You're Number 12!" and needed a lecture on how everyone had to be Number One.

dogs again

Well, Rufus certainly looks happy!

Here is an extremely entertaining slide show of the event.

cover letter

(courtesy of an old roommate of mine)

Dear Sir/Madam:

Please give me fucking job.

I am very qualified.

I am the best.

love,

ME

(now that I have written about fifteen different cover letters this week....)

dogville

They're about to award Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show. I find these moments very, very exciting. I do admit, I have a problem. I absolutely, unconditionally adores dogs. I've been going into convulsions whenever they show those damned puppy commercials. Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod I just can't stand it! They are so adorable it's beyond cute.

They just said that the terrier group wins Best in Show by far the most often. Grr. Why not the working group? Those are my favorite of course!

Drum roll.......I can't handle the suspense! The crowd wants the Golden Retriever to win, of course. How predictable are Americans? They also really like the Old English Sheep Dog (his name is Smokin'!)--his fur has been completely teased out and he is the most enormous fluff ball ever. The Rottweiler has a breeder/owner/handler situation.

The Colored Bull Terrier won. He's really, really cute.

super powers

are so Superfly.

Seriously, though--we were discussing super powers the other day. Mine apparently is remembering every person's birthday. Everyone must have one. I don't think they're always so obvious when one is trying to think of them.

bettas

OK, so this woman is hilarious. I have become a bit addicted to her site, and I think that when I move to New York or wherever in May (and after a bit of time), I might actually cough up the change to buy a pair of bred bettas.

Upon trying to find more info about how to take care of Bhishma, I found this site. At first it seemed discombobulated and rather disorganized, even, but soon I realized it was full of volumes of information about bettas. The more I read the site's text, the more I realized that its writer is extremely competent and rather articulate, in spite of her occasional bad jokes and her generous peppering of LOLs. I started to think that she was an eccentric middle-aged woman who started breeding bettas because they're purty and because she had nothing better to do, but it turns out she's a young, Christian, punk rocker! She has rooms and rooms full of tanks and jars (all immaculate) and she's been on the Discovery Channel and on Animal Planet. She's got me convinced--and hooked. (Um, about everything except the Christianity, naturally. :)

I managed to make it

P1000995
Originally uploaded by freyjawaru.

and now I'm exhausted. I was a total tourist and took pictures, in case I don't go again for a long time. I never took pics of the Lyric when I was a subscriber, but, eh.

I've decided that if I do ever write a master's thesis in musicology it will be on Why Verdi Sucks. Not musically of course, but politically and librettically. :) Every time I hear the last note of a Verdi opera at a performance, I inevitably roll my eyes. The Curse Has Landed! or Oh, no, she's dead!, or something to that effect. Good grief. I seriously need to read Clement's Opera, or the Undoing of Women, because I'm sure there's a load of stuff in there about Verdi operas. The women are such helpless victims. Unless they're conniving, of course.

Anyway, it was a very, very good production. The tenor was excellent; the soprano did a wonderful job with Caro nome, but swooped up for her high notes in several other duet numbers and soforth. Every time I hear La donna e mobile, though, I can't help thinking about the Rather Good elephants animation. Pop culture has a way with things. I also tend to think of that aria as "If you like spaghetti, just like I know you do" from the Pillsbury commercial in the '80s. :)

flame away!

OK. When I get weird posts to my blog, I usually disregard them. However, I couldn't help but argue on this one (simply because I just know that my post will be misconstrued by more than one person and also just because I'm feeling argumentative):

--"I would be careful about categorizing everyone who lives in a college town as MIDWESTERN."

"Categorizing" about what? You are arguing about something that didn't even get mentioned. I didn't categorize "everyone who lives in a college town" as anything. College town didn't come up. You must not know me at all or very well, because if you did, you would know I was born and raised in a college town.

--"First, the majority of them are from a city or suburb like the Chicago area, and most people don't consider that midwestern."

Uhhh, what? What on earth do you mean, "most people don't consider" Chicago Midwestern? It is Midwestern. Ultimately, it sounds like YOU are translating the adjective "Midwestern" as bad or offensive. For me, it's just something quite different from my experience before moving here (the Western states and the East Coast and New York City in particular). My family is from the Midwest--both sides going back about thirteen generations. It's something that's hard to put my finger on, but it's a feeling that I know is not uniquely experienced by me. And I have several friends who were born and raised in Illinois (definitely the Midwest, whether from Chicago or not) who feel the same way about living in the Midwest.

--"And at the grad level, many people are out of state. Categorizing people as all midwestern seems pretty bigoted. Like saying all French people are wimps, or all black people are dumb. More than being offensive, it's just untrue and makes you look unintelligent, which I am sure you are not."

I didn't "categorize" everyone as being Midwestern in any way except that the vast majority of the people in my particular graduate program *are* Midwestern. It's not a wide-sweeping generalization; it happens to be a fact. I also didn't say anything in particular about Midwesterners or use any qualifiers like "all Midwesterners are parochial" or "all Midwesterners are stupid" or anything like that. I only explained that I happen to be different from many of them and they are often different from me. Unfortunately for my program, a good many of them are not from out of state--it would be better if they were. And, incidentally, I can think of quite a few folks in my program who are from out of state, but also are from the Midwest.

And, incidentally, *I* happen to be in-state, even though I am not from the Midwest.

That's it for now. Since this is my blog and I am the Queen, I will only continue to argue about this if I feel like it. No democracy here!

I promise my next posts will be fun again. :)

current musings--deeply personal and probably not terribly interesting. :)

Well, I was going to go to Cowboy Monkey tonight. But I'm in some pain and discomfort, which has been quite common for me the past couple of weeks, and if I'm going to make it to Rigoletto in Chicago tomorrow, I have to get up around eight in the morning.

So I have applied for about three jobs and readied my applications for four others that have to go in the mail on Monday. I have to apply for every single job for which I'm remotely qualified that comes up between now and whenever I'm given a decent job offer. Come May 16, I will be out of a job, an apartment, and school. So I'm royally screwed if I don't have something lined up by then.

I went to a lovely tea party today, which was super nice--great conversation and company. It was a wonderful idea for my friend to have a tea party and invite people she doesn't get to talk to or see very often. I hope to see more of the people who were there, and I made a brand-new friend!

Since I'm the queen of wearing my heart on my sleeve and my blog, the following is going to be quite personal. Shred and I were discussing the ins and outs of acquaintanceship today and how everyone deals with some of these issues from time to time, in one way or another. So if you continue to read, I hope that you may sympathize with some of these thoughts and feelings at least:

I'm still a bit mopey over my left-outness with some people I used to hang out with around here, but I should probably assume I'm not hated or too offensive and that somehow to those people I just don't jive or something. I come back around to these insecurities every once in awhile, no matter how old I get. For some reason, the universe and the people with whom I come into contact have to remind me every so often that I am an introvert, that I'm not like a lot of other people, and that in spite of feeling a bond with some people, it's not always there (I'm usually the last to find out, however). Ultimately, too, almost without exception my closest friends are like me--they tend to bond with individuals, not groups, and enjoy spending big chunks of time by themselves (or around one or two like-minded people). Such is not the way of the vast majority of the world, however.

I hope someday I'll stop getting my feelings so hurt when people discontinue their friendships with me. I'm sure everybody deals with this in his or her own way. Because I am such a strange combination of outgoingness and introversion and opinionatedness, I've struggled my whole life to find a balance and to more smoothly engage with people socially. It will always be a struggle with me. Also, people naturally flow in and out of contact with each other all the time, and while I take it a bit less personally now than I used to, I still can't help but sometimes think it's because of something I did or said. These particular acquaintanceships of which I talk have rather odd situations, too, that definitely warrant my paranoia. I won't get into the details here, but I think I'll just have to chalk the incredible weirdness up to the Graduate School of Library and Information Science. Only at GSLIS can friendships or acquaintanceships be so incredibly convoluted sometimes. And I should know--I went to Smith, and socially it was pretty normal compared with GSLIS. :)

Some of the peculiar problems I have socially with GSLIS might very well be geographical. I have dealt with a completely different kind of human animal here--the Midwestern human animal. Everywhere else I've lived, the people I've met have been, in many cases, drastically different from some in the Midwest. There is a woman who is one of the most distinctly Midwestern people I've ever met (so much so that we could never have been good friends) and she wound up in a job on the East coast. I doubt she'd ever even visited there before she moved there. I wonder sometimes how she's holding up, because I think she just belongs in the Midwest. And with the same token, I certainly don't belong here. I don't even know if I really belonged in Chicago, even though I loved it, but I'm completely and totally out of my element in Central Illinois. I suppose I knew that when I moved here but that doesn't make it any easier.

But being out of one's element and not fitting in with people one initially fit in with makes one self reflect and come to terms more with self acceptance, no doubt. I will always be grateful for my experiences here and for the close friends I have made and kept and hope will be lifelong friends. I should concentrate on my blessings and not on people who don't remember me or care about me. Isn't that what life is all about? :)

bhishma

P1000988
Originally uploaded by freyjawaru.

Here is what Bhishma looks like normally. When I picked him out, he was in a freaking cup on a shelf with a ton of similar cups all around him. (It's embarrassing to me considering how much I've read up on bettas today--it's like I was stupid enough to buy a puppy at a pet shop, for God's sake, which I would NEVER do--when I'm settled somewhere else, I'll probably get a proper tank and buy a pair from a breeder.) Of course, bettas are supposed to flip out when a cup with another male is next to them, but since these guys had all been next for each other for God-knows-how-long, I think he was just calm and placid. He showed no difference when I put a mirror by him this morning. But tonight, HERE's what happened....

Lovely plumage!

P1000980
Originally uploaded by freyjawaru.

And here's what Bhishma looks like when I put a mirror by his bowl. He's like a whole new fish. He's all flamey-looking.

elizabeth and fish

P1000969
Originally uploaded by freyjawaru.

elizabeth kissing my fish

instead of eating a gallon of ice cream....

I got a fish! I was depressed and my feng shui book says that having a fish is good to have movement in your space at all (or most) times. So I guess instead of buying really expensive shoes, I bought a $3 betta and a $14 bowl set with everything included and like a lifetime supply of food (since I don't have a car). I'm so worried he'll die on me quickly because I got a goldfish in high school and it died after about three hours! I probably wasn't careful enough about the water, though. I was very sad. I felt so responsible for its life.

Anyway, this one I have tentatively named Bhishma. My friend Elizabeth was very particular about naming him a strong, but not too depressing, warrior name. Bhishma DOES die in the Mahabharata, but he is filled so full of arrows that he cannot hit the ground when he falls, signifying his greatness.

I seriously need to reread that. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it when I was in college.

I still feel pretty lousy and have all week, but I think I've been down in the dumps, too, so it was good for my friends to make me do something with them. Elizabeth could have spent hours going through all the betta fish at Petsmart. She's very picky about things like that. Then this other customer and his girlfriend were eyeing the bettas and started going through each and every one themselves! They chose my second choice. Bhishma is red and fairly calm. The other one was blue (although not a very deep blue) and had gorgeous fins and was very feisty, of which Elizabeth did not approve (she had a betta in college who was mean to her but lived for a couple of years). Of course, I don't really need to bond with my fish or anything. I felt so tempted to get a finch, though. Although it might chirp or something and get me in trouble in my complex.

fresh beginnings

Well, onto new things. After having my heart ripped out of my chest while still beating last summer, and then believing I was lucky enough to find someone else amazing for me this fall, I have severed myself yet again. Usually I like to leave loose or dangling ends but I have officially cut myself off from this person in order to save myself from more heartache.

Supposedly, my personality type (INFP) hates it when things are open-ended, so this is a first for me. And probably a healthy first! It's hard to think I'll never see him again, but I'm thinking that it will probably be the case. Now, to delete his Friendster connection with me or not? :) Eh. I haven't deleted the Friendster connection with my tenor ex-boyfriend (although I SHOULD) and I haven't deleted the Friendster connection with the guy who decided I was a complete whore and therefore didn't date me (needless to say, I wasn't a whore--he knew well before we dated that I hadn't even kissed anyone in 2 1/2 years but since I wanted him, apparently that made me a bigtime slut).

Next time, I think it would behoove me to find someone single. Is it possible? Perhaps. Just not in Champaign-Urbana. At least, not unless I want to date someone pretty young. Actually, that's not entirely true. I was mildly interested in someone (OK, so it was more along the lines of trying to get my mind off this guy from whom I just cut myself off) who is single and closer to my age and straight, but he apparently has a worse problem than I do with falling for completely unattainable people. :) And I'm way out of my element here (in the midwest), anyway, so I'm not terribly likely to find someone compatible. Plus I really only had eyes for this guy I'll never see again. Hopefully I'll be back on the East Coast in three months anyway, so why waste my time?

Shitty things always seem to happen all at once. I've been pretty sick for a week and a half. I had to miss Der Rosenkavalier with Susan Graham as a result (I'd bought the ticket back in September and I was so excited!). I've been down this week because I'm an overly sensitive freak and I feel like people in my program who did like me don't anymore because I don't get included in stuff any longer. Waah, waah. waah. That's what I get for being an introvert, I suppose. It also confuses people a lot--I SEEM to be such a party girl, but I'm not at all. When I'm on, I'm on--but most people have no idea how seldom that is (at least, during normal play hours--weekend nights).

Things will definitely be better soon, though. They always do get better. And, happily so far, New York Public has been calling my references. That's good, isn't it?

olivier

Pride and Prejudice with Laurence Olivier and Greer Garson is on. I used to watch this movie over and over and over when I was a pre-teen. Of course, at that time, the only other version one could watch was the BBC version made in the early '80s. It was well-done and -acted and quite thorough (not abridged at all), but it was naturally done on a low budget and so was rather lacking in many respects.

I was so in love with Olivier's Darcy. For Olivier's sake (and the sake of the entire motion picture), I felt very defensive of the 1940 version when the A&E/BBC version with Colin Firth came out in 1996. I argued it must be good, but Firth is no Olivier. Much later, I discovered that Firth explained in an interview that he felt intimidated to play the part, as he could never be like Olivier. For that, I decided he was a fine actor and he truly commanded my respect.

The 1940 version is quite enjoyable. It has a fun, 1940s-esque, sentimental score and Edna May Oliver. I think Edna May Oliver is one of the funniest old ladies who ever lived. I also thought that the costume designer's choice of costume from the 1840s was a good one--the full skirts with bonnets and big sleeves make the women look even more like pecking hens.

how I got poked

I have started getting acupuncture again. Owing to a bad history of endometriosis that was only helped by acupuncture, now that I'm sick again, I'm thinking I need to make the sacrifice unless I want to be pumped full of all kinds of weird Western drugs.

In fact, I was in so much pain all day on Saturday that I had to take a Vicodin to get through the Mozart Requiem performance. I was doing great for about the first half, and all of the sudden, I realized I was possibly going to black out. So I had to make a snap decision to get the hell off the stage, before I collapsed (worst-case scenario) and then they would have had to stop the concert and call the paramedics or something. I talked to my friend last night, who somehow got the impression that I had crawled off the stage. That would have been hilarious. She also mentioned a performance she was in of the 1812 Overture, when her orchestra was playing in a barn-type auditorium, and a racoon fell out of the rafters when one of the canons exploded. Awesome.

Of course, maybe only she and I find that funny.

Anyway, so I saw this local acupuncturist yesterday, and he's very Chinese. My acupuncturists prior to him have always been whities. Whatever he did was probably particularly effective. My white acupuncturist in Chicago always told me that I might feel weird after the treatment but I only remember feeling a bit weird once or twice. Yesterday I felt bizarre. My body seemed to go through all kinds of things--by the end of choir rehearsal (which was right after my appointment), I felt like I'd been on a day-long hike. Then my stomach hurt badly for awhile. Then my head hurt. Today I feel so much better, though, so I really do think that this will help and that I'll be on the mend.

snowth!

I wanna be a snowth for Halloween!

an annotated list--and a shitload of speculation

of all the movies that have won Best Picture. I haven't seen most of them, I'm sure, so if I haven't seen it yet, I won't comment. There might be some I'm not *willing* to see, however. :)

27-28 Wings
29 The Broadway Melody of 1929
30 All Quiet on the Western Front
31 Cimarron
32 Grand Hotel
33 Cavalcade
34 It Happened One Night Love it, love it, love it
35 Mutiny on the Bounty--I need to see this--my father adores it.
36 The Great Ziegfeld
37 The Life of Emile Zola
38 You Can’t Take it With You
39 Gone With the Wind Hmm. Nothing like the book, that's for sure!
40 Rebecca The only picture by Hitch that won Best Picture. And Laurence Olivier was in it. In case you don't know this, I'm madly in love with him. I even had a giant poster of him in high school, posing with a skull as Hamlet. It follows the book quite well, too.
41 How Green Was My Valley
42 Mrs. Miniver
43 Casablanca Naturally. Everyone should see this, of course.
44 Going My Way
45 The Lost Weekend: I SHOULD see this. But I'm not interested in watching a depressing movie with Ray Milland, becuase I'm madly in love with him, too.
46 The Best Years of Our Lives: Need to see this, too. Another of my father's faves.
47 Gentlemen’s Agreement
48 Hamlet Lord Oliver. But of course, I find many movies based on Shakespeare plays a bit long-winded.
49 All the King’s Men
50 All About Eve Quite interesting. I haven't seen it in awhile, though.
51 An American in Paris Argued by many to be the best musical ever filmed. It's pretty amazing.
52 The Greatest Show on Earth
53 From Here to Eternity A bit boring and depressing, but maybe I should see it again.
54 On the Waterfront Um, this was good, but I don't know why everyone thinks it was one of the best movies ever made. I guess maybe it goes over my head?
55 Marty
56 Around the World in 80 Days I think this is boring.
57 The Bridge on the River Kwai
58 Gigi One of the musicals winning Best Picture that was written by Lerner and Loewe. It follows the book by Colette very well. Directed by Vincente Minelli, the entire movie looks like an impressionistic painting. I love it.
59 Ben-Hur
60 The Apartment While I love Billy Wilder with all my heart, I just don't like this movie very much.
61 West Side Story I'm not wild about WSS at all. I even kept from familiarizing myself with Candide for some time because I don't like WSS.
62 Lawrence of Arabia Beautiful score. Well-acted. Pretty dull. I know my bro will totally diagree with me on this.
63 Tom Jones Whoever could have guessed that Albert Finney was once a hot item?
64 My Fair Lady Duh. Pretty fabulous. Although it's too bad they found it necessary to a. not case Julie Andrews, and b. to dub over Audrey's voice.
65 The Sound of Music Even though it's a total cheeseball, I sure loved this when I was little.
66 A Man for All Seasons One of my two all-time favorite movies (with High Noon).
67 In the Heat of the Night
68 Oliver! I'm sure it's well-done but I'm not wild about it.
69 Midnight Cowboy Very good and very depressing. I'll probably never see it again. Also, I borrowed this from my boss in September 2001 and then just didn't have the heart to see it all the way through for a few months.
70 Patton
71 The French Connection
72 The Godfather Very good and entertaining. That it. Entertaining is important to me. If it's not entertaining as well as good and intense, I don't like it.
73 The Sting One of my all-time faves. Totally deserved it.
74 The Godfather, Part II Also good and entertaining.
75 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
76 Rocky I think this movie is totally dumb and didn't deserve Best Picture.
77 Annie Hall Wonderful and deserved it.
78 The Deer Hunter
79 Kramer vs. Kramer Well done but not at all Oscar material. It's about a freaking divorce. Who fucking cares? Just because Meryl Streep and Dustin Hoffman were in it doesn't mean it deserves BP.
80 Ordinary People
81 Chariots of Fire
82 Gandhi Interesting and deserving.
83 Terms of Endearment Interesting. Probably not deserving of Best Picture. I think that if something deals with gay issues or terminal illnesses, it somehow always trumps Best Picture. Or actor or whatever.
84 Amadeus Another one of my all-time faves and definitely deserving, even though it's pretty far away from historical truth. If for no other reason, this deserved Best Picture because Milos Forman used the theater in which Don Giovanni premiered and lit it with candles, the way it would have been seen in Mozart's time.
85 Out of Africa A very good movie. Deserving of BP? Who knows?
86 Platoon
87 The Last Emperor Probably deserving. Definitely good. However, the last time I saw it, I was pretty young, so I need to see it again. I absolutely love depressing movies that are Chinese or about China.
88 Rain Man
89 Driving Miss Daisy A good movie. Not too entertaining.
90 Dances With Wolves
91 The Silence of the Lambs Definitely deserved BP. What a well-made horror/suspense flick. Furthermore, no one ruined it (think Keanu Reeves in either Much Ado About Nothing or Bram Stoker's Dracula--both movies had fantastic casts with the exception of him).
92 Unforgiven I remember this being entertaining, deep, and thoroughly good.
93 Schindler’s List Good and deserving.
94 Forrest Gump: I staunchly refuse to watch this crap.
95 Braveheart Hmm. I have some mixed feelings about this movie. The score is fantastic. It's well-acted. It's historically way off. While I may not have as much of a problem with that being the case in Amadeus, here it truly offends me.
96 The English Patient Read the book, saw the movie. I don't know if I really get it. It probably deserved BP owing to its cast and cinematography. I can't remember what else was nominated that year.
97 Titanic This was a complete joke. The fact that this movie won BP makes everything else less of a commodity. As a result, I never took the Oscars as seriously again. But then again, I am making this list. Sigh.
98 Shakespeare in Love I saw this again recently and it's a wonderful movie. Thoroughly enjoyable. I don't think it necessarily deserved BP, though.
99 American Beauty Very enjoyable and entertaining. Deserving of BP? Probably.
00 Gladiator Beautiful and enjoyable but didn't deserve BP.
01 A Beautiful Mind Again, following in the tradition of Stupid Bullshit that Won an Oscar, this seriously falls in that category.
02 Chicago Fun and nice that a musical won, but not deserving.
03 LOTR: The Return of the King The trilogy made cinematic history. Every single thing you see in those movies, down to the tankards used in the taverns, was specially made for the movies. LOTR are among the best movies ever made, in my opinion. So well done, so well crafted, acted, scored, directed, designed.
04 Million Dollar Baby

Indicentally, this site is great.

An addendum of movies that were nominated that so should have won:
The Awful Truth (1937), although I didn't see the Emile Zola pic that won.

The Philadelphia Story (1940). As much as I love Rebecca, I love this more.

Probably Citizen Kane (1941). How Green Was My Valley won instead. I can't seem to get through CK, but given the scholarship around it, it was a much more important movie than HGWMV.

Sunset Boulevard (1950) totally deserved the Oscar over All About Eve. Good grief.

I haven't seen The Greatest Show on Earth, but considering how High Noon is one of the best movies ever made, I'd say it was more deserving. (1952)

I haven't seen Shane, but my guess is it's much better than From Here to Eternity. It's also amassed a lot of scholarship.

I haven't seen Marty (1955), but I can tell you right now that Mister Roberts was more deserving.

I think Butch Cassidy was better than Midnight Cowboy (1969).

Since I think Rocky was really stupid, I think All the President's Men should have won in 1976.

While I can't get through Apocalpyse Now, I've seen enough of it to know it was more deserving than Kramer vs. Kramer (1979).

Any of these: Four Weddings and a Funeral, Pulp Fiction, Quiz Show, or The Shawshank Redemption deserved BP over Forrest Gump. (1994)

Totally Apollo 13 or Il Postino over Braveheart (1995).

Fargo over The English Patient (1996).

I don't think I can say with enough passion how much more LA Confidential deserved the Oscar over Titanic. Duh. Wouldn't everyone (except contemporary teenage girls) agree?

Gosford Park, In the Bedroom, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, or (even though I had to walk out of it) Moulin Rouge over A Beautiful Mind. Come on. (2001)

But you know, looking at the nominations, some years just really suck, apparently. Or the shortlisted choices do, anyway. 2003 was really good and so is this year.

to the skeptic

While I am willing to concede that many, if not most, ghost stories are a bunch of bullshit, I think it's just about the most arrogant thing in the world for people to argue that ghosts don't exist because it's not scientifically proven.

We are at the tip of the iceberg in terms of discovery. We have no fucking clue. Just because there are scientific explanations for a number of things that weren't easily explained a century ago doesn't mean that we can now explain things away that aren't on the scientific radar.

goethe is so unchristian that he can no longer be in schools

amazing. OK, so Goethe didn't write the libretto to Gounod's Faust, but his telling is the basic idea behind this school's problem with it (and the content of Faust, which dates back to the early Renaissance). No wonder Americans are a bunch of dumb, ignorant buffoons.

The article, thanks to Senior Mooselette:

Faust

I certainly do come from a red state. Grr.

mozart, mozart, mozart!

We will have sung the Mozart Requiem for about fourteen hours this week by the time we're done with it on Saturday. While it is a relief to be beyond familiarized with the music (it can be kinda stressful to jump in as a "ringer" and sing something cold), it's getting a bit old. Have I mentioned lately how much more superior the Brahms is? Or even the Verdi, for that matter--while it's long and a bit over the top, at least it's satisfying. The Mozart Dies irae is so pedantic.

OK. I really need to go into work. However, I love the '80s is on, and you know what THAT means. I'm glued. They were just talking about Mon chee chees and ZZ Top. Complete with furry guitars.

my life is so exciting

I just had to plunk a bunch of change down for a monograph. Indexing and Abstracting in Theory and Practice. Wow. I can read even more about Aboutness. Needless to say, I'm very excited to leave library school. :)