what to do with my life

OK. I can't move to New Zealand. I'd be stuck in the middle of one of two islands with only expensive ticket options to escape.

However, I'm suddenly feeling a bit more clear-headed about some things. I've been beating myself up about the possibility of getting a second master's in musicology, since I've wanted to be a music librarian for a long, long time. I've since decided that staying in Urbana for another degree and taking out loans at this juncture isn't worth it. I really, really, really dislike Urbana and Champaign (actually with quite a passion) and it doesn't suit me at all. More important, it's too much risk for too little gain. Since I consider C-U to be most decidedly in the middle of nowhere, with pretty much nothing to offer, I hate to think how I would find some little music library in the middle of Alabama or something, should I be successful in music librarianship.

But being at home, with my stepmother (who has a Ph.D. in public policy), my activist blood is really kicking me in the shins. Most people don't have activist blood. I do. It's something you're born with or not, sort of like a calling to be a clergy member. I've decided that I find music scholarship important and I want to fight to ensure that it can continue to be a serious discipline in which people may find livelihoods. But it's not for me. I am finding music to be too inconsequential right now. There is too much at stake to go into music. I think I knew this on some level and that's why I suddenly started to find public librarianship to be a much more attractive option. My strong interest in communities and community activism would be richly rewarded if I were to work for Chicago Public in some disadvantaged neighborhood.

And, incidentally, the Scherzo and Allegro from Borodin's second string quartet is totally fucking addictive. Why can't all string quartets have interesting melodic lines? Maybe people don't take this string quartet as seriously as some of the ones lacking melodies.