weird evening

last night was weird. And then I broke my month-old camera. My dad is worried it won't be fixable. My camera drama has really been major this year and of course it had to end in this. A broken, $400 camera. I sure know how to make a mess of things. First, I took pictures of me and Mr. I and was so delirious when I got home that I erased them. Then I lost the whole camera. Then I collected on insurance and bought a new one and now it's broken.

I think this week has culminated in a realization that I'm never going to get over Mr. I. Yes, it's pretty recent. And I suppose on some level I've always known I'll never get over it. But it's pretty tough to deal with. I spent my entire life looking for my true love. I met him. And he's got horrible issues and apparently doesn't want to be with me. No, this is not an unrequited situation--I know more than I've ever known anything in my life how very much I'm requited in this.

Now I'm thinking again about getting out of this place. Even though I can graduate now, I need another semester to at least look for jobs. If I leave and don't do a music degree, then I'll have a couple of musicology courses (next semester) under my belt and hopefully some papers for applications to other programs. Getting a library job these days is quite a long shot, so I'm probably going to have to get some sort of editorial job again since that's my background. But that's OK. If I can live in a city again, I'll be so happy. This place drives me fucking nuts. It's so parochial and it's full of people who seem to never go anywhere.